The Importance of "Dates" with Each Child


Our three boys are vastly different people.  They are each 4 years apart with my oldest and youngest being 8 years apart. We love them all equally but share different types of relationships with each one due to their age and personality differences. My baby looks to Dylan (the oldest) as more of a second dad than a playmate and so finding activities to suit everyone can be a challenge.

Another challenge from my boys perspective is simply being heard!  In our house we emphasize respect and expect it, but with so many voices often someone feels unheard.  They also love to have my undivided attention which I simply cannot give when I am with all 3 children.  The chaos of a larger family creates a tension at times that I have found is best alleviated by giving them what they seem to crave; individual attention.

I am often surprised when I meet people that do not make a point to spend one on one time with each child.  Maybe it's a lack of time, or a lack of help in looking after the other children, two things I am very grateful to have, but I think it is important to find a way.  As I was thinking about it the other day it occurred to me that perhaps some people simply haven't thought about it and don't know the wonderful benefits of one-on-one time.

Importance
Dinner portion of the "date" with C
Our children all know they are important to us, as I am sure most children know no matter what amount of alone time they have with you. Yet nothing says, you are important to me, better than putting everything else aside, including their siblings, to spend time with just them. The old adage, actions speak louder than words, is true especially for children. They know you love them no matter what but showing them goes a long way to embed the thought in their minds.

Like most moms, I'm constantly multitasking. Mom, wife, blogger, cook, shopper, planner, social media participant, etc.. I sometimes catch myself being only mildly present with the boys. When I stop what I am doing, get down to their level and look in their eyes I can see that it means so much more when I focus on them! The same is true in regards to giving them their own time.

Individual connections
I love my children, all of them the same amount, but I think it is dishonest to say in the same way.  My three boys are so different that I could not possibly have the same type of relationship with each one of them.  Really, I wouldn't want to! That is the amazing beauty in having multiple children. They all bring out something unique in our relationship and make me a better mother and person in general through that ability.

Through our date days I am able to connect on a much deeper level with each child as I can really focus on that individual relationship that we share. We share jokes, memories, and interests which just increase our personal connection. Years later we often giggle at something that happened between us. Bonding the entire family is vital but so is that bond between each individual member of the family. With this increased connection also comes more respect and tolerance, two things you can never have too much of.

Confidence
Lunch date with T
Through the deeper connections, shared memories, and knowledge that they are important to you, self-confidence is reinforced.  In the world today, particularly for children who attend school, confidence is constantly being chiseled off them. When they know they are important and special the chisel will need to strike quite a bit harder to hurt the confidence they have in themselves. The more they have been built up the harder they are to break down.

As children grow older self-confidence becomes more and more important as they are faced with situations and decisions that will be best made with a strong sense of self-worth.  By giving them individual attention and a feeling that what they want matters, they will be more confident in making choices for themselves, rather than simply following the crowd.

Communication
Perhentian trip with Dylan to get scuba certified together
With increased connection comes more respect and an openness that they can talk about anything with me.  My oldest son is comfortable talking to me about things I wouldn't have dreamed of mentioning to my family. He asks me things that would otherwise be answered unrealistically through peers or something he sees in a movie.  That is how I got things answered growing up and I believe it is what leads teens to having unrealistic expectations for things ultimately paving the way to them making poor choices.

One-on-one dates is not an automatic invitation for your children to open up and talk with you.  That is cultivated in the overall relationship you share with them, how open you are with your feelings and thoughts, and your respect level for them and their opinions but it certainly helps to open the door.


I think a lot of us, especially those with many kids, get caught up in the notion that there just aren't enough hours in the day. If one child gets more attention you may feel guilty and so the whole idea gets put on a back burner. But what you don't know is how little time it really takes.  It doesn't need to be some elaborate, expensive full-day outing, although those can be wonderful as well. Just a simple meal out or a long walk alone is all it takes to remind them how important they are!

We have done meals out, story telling, cooked meals together at home, played a board game or cards, taken walks or hikes, overnight trips, multiple day trips, and so much more on a one-to-one basis with each child.  It never matters how much time it is just that they were the focus. Our children always return home feeling refreshed and more capable of showing respect and tolerance to one another.

Do you also do "dates" with your children?  What types of things do you do?


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14 comments:

  1. That individual time is SO important. Whenever I've had multiple kids in the home, I always made time to spend 1-on-1 time with each child. And like you say, in a family that's larger, it's even more important.

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    1. Absolutely! And extra when you have a T in the house;)

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  2. Without a doubt, we partake in the individual "date" time with the kids. No matter where we are, it is good to have one on one time. Our 2 kids are both similar, yet we all connect on different levels. I think it is best to begin this at a very young age, to build those "bestie" bonds from the start. It isn't all about being the parent, but also connecting with them so they know they can come to you about any topic. I love this post!

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    1. Thanks Heidi, it is something really important to me. I met someone the oter day with 4 kids who never even heard of doing things like this. I thought it odd so figured I would use my platform:) We all love our "date" days. I also think it is important fir both parents to do it as the relationships are all different!

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  3. Thanks for posting this!
    I also have four kids but only have dates with my daughter.
    I will grab one of the boys for a trip to the grocery store but that is not the same.
    I am going to start doing this with the boys too!
    Thanks Again.

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    1. Thanks, that makes me so happy to hear! It really is so important!

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  4. Thumbs Up!! Important message/reminder.
    Travelling Mom of 9 (ages 5-26)

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    1. Wow, 9 kids that is ust amazing to me. I bet that makes personal date time a lot trickier!

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  5. as a single mom with 2 sons, this is hard, but I make it happen as much as I can. I love that I can share something special and different with each one. It's almost like we have a little secret between us. Even though, when we get home, the 1 son tell the other ALL about what we did.

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    1. That is so funny, sometimes one of my sons insists on having his brother come along;)

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  6. Excallant advice. We have our 2nd on the way, so I was happy to read this post. Love your site by the way!

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    1. Thanks so much and congrats on your new little one on the way! It doubles the chaos but also doubles the reward and love! Enjoy!

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  7. Great advice. I like this post a lot. Congrats to you and all the very best.

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  8. Growing up, my parents always took us on individual dates for our birthday (just Mom, Dad & Me!). I certainly don't remember what presents I got those years...but I DO remember some of our date time together! I think it is a great tradition that I would like to continue...but you're right...it's hard to simply make it a priority, sometimes. (not to mention finding more time for our kids individually, in general!)

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